i might have lost myself along the way.
what have i gained though, and was it really worth it?

i havent cried so hard in such a long time.
it hurts so bad, but i think i'll just keep falling and hurting and falling and hurting till i learn my fucking lesson.

are things just gonna fizzle out?
like nothing ever fucking mattered?

It's such a good beach day today, just that i really should stay away from the sun and i need a good sleep. THINGS WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO WORK OUT THIS WAY! I WAS SUPPOSED TO OWN A BEACH HOUSE BITCHAZ NOT BE A HERMIT! ):

anyhoos, finished up my feature! pretty proud of it :D pulled an all nighter, but the words only started flowing at 9 in the morning and being the speedy little writer i am, POOF!POOF! done in less than two hours! i really like this feeling minus the yawns and stomach grumbles. life is good lovin it it'll take alot to get me down this time MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OH AND GODSKITCHEN WAS FUCKIN KICK ASS! OMG SEE! A WHOLE STRETCH OF AMAZING WEEKENDS AND A FINISHED ASSIGNMENTS. FWAHH THIS IS PRETTY GODLIKE FOR MY STANDARD.

someone did give me happy pills! and study pills! Diet pills now preeze?:D

Soph and Ama told me most girls would date a guy who's a total asshole, realise it but not do anything about it because of a god-knows-why reason.
Jeremy Highpants, please don't be that guy.

He asked me to keep him warm the other night. As my fingers traced the outline of the tattoo on his chest I thought about how that might be the cutest thing he's ever said haha that was last week or the week before, i dont remember. This was restored from a draft.

well, parklife was quite a disaster. the crowd was annoying, i was tired (stopped twitching though, thank god), had to queue for drinks so we didnt bother, and before the night even ended we left. OH YES MY PERIOD CAME AT 12pm, thought it could have waited till like monday, or maybe just disappear once and for all. what a waste of money. damn it.
i think it was the anticipation that wrecked everything but im just gonna pretend that parklife never happened. friday and saturday nights totally made up for it though so maybe that's why i dont feel so shitty :D

friday was an impromptu night out the Metros Freo, music was WOOHOO! and drinks were cheap, kudos to roland for the shots and lift back home.
khalil wasn't too happy though, quoting him, "Aiya, boring la joy. No chicks. Only you. Well thank god there's you."
AW THANKS KHALIL ME LOVE IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO KNOW IM GOOD AS BACKUP :/

saturday saturday saturday
was at jem's for dinner and found out they were having a boys' night out at Rosemount Hotel.
had a couple of predrinks, and they were like, "Eh come la come la!!"
but nah i didnt wanna like intrude.
after a couple of drinks, "Eh come la come la you sure you don't wanna go? There's nothing to do at home you know."
took me about 15 secs to decide.
"Okay fine. You boys have a cigarette, i'll go change, be back in 5."
Well, there seriously was nothing to do. and they asked more than twice, so they genuinely didnt mind me going right? RIGHT?

so i was the designated driver and jem was the designated photographer cz you know me, i get too lazy to take pictures.
the 2 bands we caught were pretty good (Fall Electric & The Preytells)
had a few pines and off to Ambar for Kid Kenobi.
WALAU EH STIMMMMMMMMMMMMM! :D 
great company, great music, ample amount of money.
like, what could go wrong right?!

hahah the designated driver couldnt drive home so thank god jem was sober enough.
AHAH! we didnt exchange roles, camera ran out off batt and memory heehee
man i wish i could post pictures up but my internet is running out but soon yeh? :D
glad the three of us had a good night. Khalil scored with a chick by using the "This is my wife(points to me) but i'm divorcing her so she doesn't mind." line. SCORE! DRUNK CHICK BOUGHT THAT SHIT! walau fail.
i'm totally making khalil sound like a desperate creep right now but that's okay, his attempts are always quite a laugh
Love Him.

okay back to that 70s show.
i used to be able to party 3 to 4 nights straight and still not K.O
uhoh whats going on, im only nineteen this shouldnt be happening!

okay this journal is pretty much half dead.
Half Dead because i do still think about it from time to time yeh cross my heart i do! i do!
well blame Twitter, the fuckin microsuperawesomeblogging tool.

anyways to sum up these 5 weeks, its been okay la.
nothing fantastic really, pretty monotonous. well there are the raves and crazy nights but heck, one can only get so much of those.
school's been going pretty great actually, assignments handed in on time or slightly earlier *beams* and havent missed any tutorials yet.
good move to finally stay so near school, at least it's not such a chore getting there hurhur
and i like that Freo is just a 10 minute bus ride down, it's such a pretty city by itself.
oh and the beach the beach i need to lay down and listen to the waves. weather's being a bitch lately oh god im even sick of complaining.

oh the whole 'not my boyfriend, just sorta, yeh maybe, i dont know, something along those lines' thing,
screw it la doesnt really matter to me much anymore. i mean it gets pretty annoying when people dont stop asking the are you guys finally together question. yes i geddit they care but it sucks when i dont have an answer for it.
thought about it though, maybe (to a certain extent) labels dont matter anymore. if whatever we have is working out then alls good i reckon
well i mean it would be nice if one of us were to bring it up but im just too stubborn to talk and i dunno maybe he's just oblivious.
im running out of excuses really am getting pretty numb haha

so am i just gonna sit on my ass with all these questions running through my head?
YES I AM ACTUALLY. 
the pressure is not gonna be doing anyone any good.
if something's gonna happen, it will happen, and fingers crossed it will be good.
on the contrary, if nothing's gonna happen, why fuck it up so much earlier when things are still going okay?

chai tells me stuff i ought to know and love her for that
theyre not all sweet and dandy, but enough to knock some sense into me. it's always different from a third person point of view.

i don't know it's so hard being caught in between. sometimes i feel all 'old enough and mature' and sometimes i still feel like this awkward, confused teenager, not a kid no please dont call me a kid i dont show it but that doesnt necessarily mean i don't mind it.
i tend to overanalyse.
and in some way or another some things that happen tend to hurt me more.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY THERAPIST? GIVE ME MORE HAPPY PILLS THAT MAKE ME FORGET STUFF!

How Much Do You Want Me?

It sucks how i tend to lose myself by accident when surrounded by people who all behave the same, but different compared to me.
i know this should be structured into more comprehensible english but really, i am so confused now i couldnt give a fuck.

I have always been one to appreciate my space, being able to do whatever i want whenever i want without consent.
i like my independence. and the fact that i hate relying on people.
a free spirit, true blue Aquarius, whatever you wanna call it.

but these past months saw me strangely needing more attention.
being needywas never one of my personality traits and it's something i am take pride in.
but as i mentioned earlier, being surrounded by girls who had their boys glued to their sides probably made me think that that's the way it should be, having someone stuck to you physically 24/7
and thing is, i know it doesnt have to always be that way but yeh i admit it i got sucked in.

no no not funny not funny.
well the break did me (or us?) some good and it was refreshing for a change, not that him being around is a bad thing no no dont get me wrong, just that the 3 weeks gave me ample time to reflect on the person i might have changed to and how i do not like that new person very much at all.

well, last Sunday turned out awesome though :D
it's really nice talking and being on the same wavelength.
i constantly remind myself that we started off being good friends, and some things should never change.

 now he's gone for 10 days, and when he gets back ill be in oz for 2 weeks before he goes over.
HAHAHA now now what am i gonna do about that?! :D

i think, i think..
im gonna drop dead like right now.

BECAUSE



YES.
GOD IS COMING DOWN UNDER :D

Marilyn Manson, 5th October at the Challenge Stadium.
i wanna get my hands on vip tickets. i would not usually fork out money for concerts but im blowing my moolah on this.
i am speechless. yet all i wanna do is just scream.

i missed him last 2007 and fuck no im missing him again
HEH HEH

me love, i am gonna plant hot wet kisses on your face.

i know it's silly to be making excuses all the time to hide my disappointment but i dont wanna be petty either.
but now the thin line between being oversensitive and masking my hurt is hazy.

it's too hard when it's obvious i dont matter much anymore.

is it obstinance?
am i putting a tad too much hope in this?
is it closure that i crave?
because truthfully i don't even know what 'this' really is.

What is running through your head this second?

i cant believe im leaving tmrw.
i dont wanna leave so soon, its just way too sudden.

sitting in the walk in closet now packing and it struck me how much i might be missing everyone.
everyone's staying here in perth! and and no one's back in jb.
keeping my fingers crossed for Urbanscapes end of this month.

fuck im gonna miss highpants.
grrr wtf is this. its making me not wanna go home.
but i do wanna go home! just not when everyone's here, and Daniel Kandi's on Friday.

i wish they would cancel my flight. god i can be so childish at times.
will get over this, back to choosing which nail polish colours ill be bringing home this time.

:D i am fine.

To Autopsy Jude, thnx for your comment hun, i wanted to reply but idk why an error message keeps popping up but haha i like how you always comment on my random entries all the time. hope melb's treating you well :D


well went for run this arvo so omg yeh i think its the endorphins kicking in yay!
maybe its just self satisfaction the fact that im making an effort to stop being such a pig lol
and the weather!
its so nice and warm and pretty!
and and the river looks extra inviting! i would have jumped right in from the jetty if not for all the jellyfish
-wait is there such a thing as jellyfishes?

okay it's defo the endorphins kicking in haha i actually bother to bold and italize my entry. love it!

anyhoos, sem was over since last wed so prolly gonna lepak my ass off till after armin (woo!armin!)
okay i should stop ranting.

i really wanna start reading again. the only time i actually sit in bed with a book the whole day is back in Malaysia.
maybe cz its so stuffy and hot and i love my aircon and comforter.
and it sucks because i can get such cheap and good books here.
i shall make a trip to Freo toms and read by the beach.

OH!OH! and ive got a end of sem bash at the curtin tav tonight :D

There.
Who said i get through my days aimlessly?

AAAARGGGH im feeling so outta sorts right now. i dunno why.
fuck i really really am clueless. its like a bad feeling that something terrible might happen.
im pissed off, scared, annoyed, upset, disappointed and alot of other negative things that should not be feeling at all.

and i dont know how to tell anyone. its not gonna help if im gonna be judged.
there's just way too many people around me and being in a crowd feeling like shit is not helping at all.
i know i need a good a cry. and maybe the right fucking person to say the right fucking thing.
but nothing of that sort is happening now.

im afraid. and i cant do anything about it.
faking a smile(and knowing that im not doing a good job at that as well) sucks.

i wanna take a long aimless drive.
i need a cone.

maybe i should go for a walk.
to the jetty,
where i can sit and think about Stuff.

*update

just went outside and it's too cold for a walk.
a phone call would be nice.

i was never one to deal with emotional baggage.
am i a late bloomer thats why its all flooding in now?
what's wrong with me? please please PLEASE make it stop.

i wanna try to stop cursing but honestly all i can think of at this point of time is Fuck.
and not in a hot steamy sexual context. Urgh.

what you're doing is hurting me.
Please stop.

I feel so, Disconnected.
like there's nothing in common anymore.
it's probably just the weather.
or the coming down.

but then again my come downs dont usually last for two days.
so maybe i am just feeling shitty.
Or my period might be coming, for the third fucking time in 5 weeks.

On a brighter note,






















Fuck. Nothing seems to be looking bright enough.
today is officially Royal Tiu Day.

okay the only person reading this would probably be sujen and nenek and furball.
well girls, i love you.

so today we had our first serious conversation. it's been bugging me for quite awhile now and i dunno all the thoughts came rushing in today and yehh i sorta switched to emo/moody/im-gonna-answer-in-mm's&aahh's mode.
i like how he actually noticed.
and then hopped over to my bed to squeeze it out of me.
he did. and i thank god for the verbal diarrhoea everything came spewing out.
i wanted to know where i stood, if i was still in the picture, what went on before. so many questions just way too many for me to deal with in a split second.

i felt that i needed to know the truth before i decide to fall any deeper. wish i could scratch out some of the things he said, but i really really appreciated the honesty.

i told him, "I'm gonna flood you with questions but tonight shall be the one and only time we talk about this i promise."
to which he sat down and said, "Okay shut the door and let's talk."

he gave me the reassurance i needed and i think i trust him.
now let's keep our fingers crossed.

i hate fuck ups and all the drama that comes with it.
tomorrow is a brand new day(:

I really am quite a guy at times and I fuckin hate it.

Why do I always want what I can’t have, it’s not that I take people for granted, just that I would only feel the loss and the need to chase only after someone pulls away. Believe me, I do not like a challenge, neither does it get my adrenaline pumping. I honestly don’t even know. What I do know is that I cherish all the time spent, but maybe I do not work hard enough to keep it that way.

I am not much of a verbal person. No, don’t scoff and tell me how loud I am. Yes I am a people person but I do not like confrontations. I don’t mind serious conversations as long as it’s not about me.

I hate it when people try to read me. Because it scares me shitless the fact that I might lose that little privacy I own.

It has always been easier for me to write whatever I need to say. Ironic. Even as a kid, it was always easier for me to write “I am sorry. I love you.” letters to my mum than to say it to her. And not much has changed since then and it makes me wonder if I lack self expression.

I have so much to say to you but I just swallow everything every bloody time. I wish you could read me right then. Just that little bit.

Or read this.

I really have to stop hurting people unintentionally.

“Let’s say I might be ready to get lost with you. Are you willing to risk it too?”

did i mention eric, sujen, furfur and sara took me out birthday shopping?
omg yeh i know right, do you feel the love that i am feeling?!
so like yeh, i stuck to the budget, in fact i was 2 buck below the budget, woohoo how proud.
AND I GOT 2 BAGS!
the only reason they prolly let me get two bags without nagging at me was cz it was my day so i can do whatever the fuck i want woohoooohoooo happy balls.
i loveee you girls, and boy, too la seriously, with or without presents(: MWA



oh and like after that, we went to sujen's place, and i kinda, well not kinda, i DID break her doorknob.
cz you know its like the longish brass kind so instead of pushing it down towards the end, i pushed it down at the corner so it snapped.
yeh furball i know you're prolly reading this and laughing your hairy balls ass off.

SO ANYHOOS,
today was quite productive for me.
went for a movie with Furball, she's like my only escape from the noise in the house.
cz dad got a new bathtub(yay!) so like there's like mini construction going on in his toilet, which conveniently happens to be right on top of my room.
well i prolly could sleep through many things but when the fuckin ceiling's vibrating at 11 in the morning even the dead would wake up ogay.
double dang.
lesson of the day, when people say you can sleep even when the sky falls down, that is far from true.
you probably have figured that out a nong nong time ago but heck.

and then thai dinner with family.
AND THEN dennis, nat and i went too roost.
wanted to go to Boca Jazz but it was closed. major bummer hey.
our dear dede ffk us yet again. jeez!
roost was really fun though, just like many other roost nights
dennis was playing fingeric on my iphone and omg you should have seen him la. its like he became a little kid all over again lol
so nat and i left dennis downstairs while we went to 'the girl next door' to check out the pretty pretty stuff heehee
eggciting.
i found my dream bag and dream rings so i went to the counter to pay right,
and i dug out my angpaos i grabbed from the drawer before den&nat picked me up,
when i opened it up, it was fuckin empty!

silly ol me decided to take empty angpao wrappers instead.
dem malu can die dot com.

oh wells there's always tmrw and we're going tmrw night too yayness cant wait
now i shall sleep in peace knowing my dream bag is 15 mins away waiting for me to pick him up.
yeh my bag is male because he's studded and hardass.

( i'm worth $750, only. )